January 18th 2013
Dear B,
It has been a few weeks since I have written to you. I basically shut my brain down for the remainder of the holidays the best I could. Thinking of how I won't be spending the holidays with you is just... well just... hard.
Let me see if I can deal with getting caught up without losing it altogether.
I attended Christmas Eve service at church as I had the past two years and took pictures of the service. To think it was only three years ago we had attended this service together. Sure it cost me $20.00 to convince you but you went just the same. As we stood side by side holding our candles during the candle-light portion of the service, I thought to myself, things were going ok between the two of us. They weren't going great but I thought they were at least going ok. I'll always remember how you looked that day. You were dressed in your red wool petticoat and black boots. You looked beautiful as always. The fact that you were standing by my side in church with the rest of my "church" family made it extra memorable.
I caught a glimmer of snow flurries in the street light out back as I was going to bed after writing you last. It was well after midnight making it officially Christmas snow. Do you know it has snowed every Christmas since we have been apart? I know it's only two years but I don't think it has snowed on Christmas day prior to this in about 14 or 15 years.
I woke late Christmas morning to the same empty house I fell asleep to. There were no stockings to fill after midnight and I missed placing the tiny box of chocolates on your nightstand this year.
I did climb the stairs to the second floor and stood just outside your bedroom door with my eyes closed trying to recapture a happy memory from Christmases' past but just didn't have the strength to do it.
The coffee was on the bitter side and I was grateful when Lisa called to say she was on her way to coming to pick me up.
Lisa is doing all of the driving these days as the Jeep has a bad front axel on the drivers side. It won't matter soon because once it starts snowing I wont be able to go anywhere as the heat and defroster still don't work.
Lisa and I opened our gifts pretty quickly. I got her a basket of assorted girly things, a set of hand painted mugs by Ms. J, a bracelet she had her eye on, and a couple of poster sized framed prints of some pictures I took at a Dave Mathews concert we went to last summer. She got me a blue Pyrex dish, coffee, some underwear, and a Kindle.
Now don't get me wrong. The underwear I needed, the coffee I can drink, but the Kindle? I tried to be a good sport about it by registering it and all. However the more I tried to do things with it the more I found out how limited it really was. It ended up getting sent back and Lisa got the Amazon credit.
On a happier note, this was the push I needed to take apart my old tablet, make the repairs and return it into service.
We headed to Lisa's house where I watched Lisa and her daughters open their gifts to each other. I took a few pictures and then we all went to Lisa's mom's house for dinner. Nothing formal. Almost everyone in Lisa's family vegan but there was enough meat for me to feel full after eating.
The rest of the holiday was uneventful.
I didn't hear from anyone in the family, nor did I expect to. I thought about calling my mother and father but considering I didn't even receive a Christmas card from them I didn't call.
New Year's Eve this past year was a bust. I stayed home and did nothing. And although I was streaming the countdown on my laptop I didn't really watch. Lisa couldn't afford to come down and went to bed early. I'm not quite sure when I'll see her again as money is tight for both of us.
I really don't know what 2013 and the future has in store for me.
I don't see this getting any easier as time goes by.
I miss you and will always love you.
-Dad XO
