Sleep

February 27th 2013

Dear B,

Sleep has not come easy these past few weeks. I’ve had a lot on my mind, more than usual.

For the past three weekends we have received a significant amount of snow. The big storm we received three weeks ago knocked power out to most of the area. I was fortunate to only have it flicker while others were without it for days. There were many trees down and schools were closed for a couple of days. The governor declared a state of emergency and even instituted a driving ban to all no essential emergency vehicles during the storm. I had the candles and flashlights out but never needed them. I made a pizza and watched movies. It was a non-event for me personally while the rest of the region declared it to be the largest storm to see the area in the past 30 years. Like I said, it was no big deal to me.

Not much phases me these days. I'm not sure if it is my depression getting worse or if I'm just desensitized to life itself these days. It seems I’ve checked out of reality and just in life’s limbo.

The 4th anniversary of JJ's passing has come and gone this past week. I can't believe how fast time is moving. The rest of the world has kept moving forward while I've become stuck in this time period of inactivity in my life. I keep wishing I could somehow bottle up or save this time for a more productive period in my life but I don’t see anything promising on the horizon.

I haven’t been to a church service this year yet as I haven’t had my Jeep fixed and don’t have a way to get anywhere. Needless to say I haven’t gotten around much this year. I actually received a few calls to fix computers in the last day or so. Not enough to put a dent into the mountain of debt that is accumulating monthly but it is still something and I am grateful for that.

My appointment for getting my taxes done is coming up soon and I haven’t paid nearly half of what I owe from the prior year. My request to renew my medical insurance was just recently denied due to the lack of proof of income. I need to submit a recent tax return as proof of income. The catch is when I file I need to make a large sum payment of what I owe to the state and that is money I don’t really have.

I really don't have any answers to any of my financial woes these days. I keep going over and over the things I need to be focusing on to make money and keep coming up with nothing. To me this has become an unsolvable issue.

And maybe that's why I can't sleep. I usually can figure things out on my own without much outside help. I've been doing it for years. Self-reliance to me has worked thus far. When I start depending on others to meet my needs it seems I set myself up for failure.

So I go it alone for the most part. Like I said it has worked for the most part.

Now I lie awake most nights between the hours of 2AM and 5AM only succumbing to sleep as the sun breaks the horizon.

On the rare occasion that I do sleep I wake up feeling physically exhausted knowing I have tossed and turned most of the night. Not a very pleasant way to start the day.

I look forward to the longer brighter days coming up this Spring. I won't have the heat on which will reduce the natural gas I use and my electricity consumption will be down as well. It will feel good to feel the heat of the sun and smell the fresh outdoor air once again.

For the time being I will stay indoors, hibernating like a bear for the remainder of the winter watching the snow fall.

I miss and love you.

-Dad XO