Dinner without you.

December 22nd 2012

Dear B,

I'm attempting to make some semblance of the holidays by hosting another one of my dinner parties. I have invited almost a dozen people this year and I am not related to a single one. Just a few short years ago the holidays were spent with almost all family around the table. It doesn't feel as odd as I thought it might.

I haven't spoken to my parents in the past six months. I finally gave up after reaching out to them on countless occasions prior to these last six months. Jay-Jay, your great-grandfather has been gone now for almost five years. I'm sure he would be disappointed and deeply saddened and I wonder what he would have to say about all of this.

It was also about a year ago that I finally confronted my father about the abuse he put me through as a child. I was hoping it would open the doors to some honest conversation and air out some of my families past secrets. Instead he pulled over on the side of a busy interstate and yelled at me to get out or shut my mouth and never bring it up again.

Your grandmother and I haven't really seen eye to eye since Jay-Jay's death and even some time prior to him getting sick. Who am I kidding, my mother and I were never close. Not even as a child. She never took an interest in what I was doing. It was always her vs. me and since she was the parent she was always right and got to have the final say which was usually, "Wait till your father hears about this when he gets home from work. We'll see what he has to say about all of this." That usually meant a beating before or just after dinner.

Then there's my brother. He has three, no four kids? He and I spoke years ago in grandma's driveway after Jay-Jay's funeral. I told him to keep in touch and that I had tried many times to reach him  n the past. He just shook my hand and wished me well fully knowing he wouldn't be reaching out to me for any reason.

I don't expect to hear from any of them any time soon if ever.

Very little is under the tree this year. Yes, I got another tree. They were cheap everywhere this year. I guess a lot of sellers got stuck with inventory last year. Lisa and I picked out a tree in under five minutes. It took more time to cut it down. I have just about finished decorating the house. I even put your white tree, the one with the green lights on the second floor landing like you and I had talked about doing. I only put branches in two thirds of the tree so as to set it in the corner giving people enough room to walk up the stairs. You can't even tell! Of course there's no one here to walk up the stairs any more. It's just me in this big house. This big beautifully decorated home that echoes of past memories.

I just don't know how I'm going to make it through the holidays again. Everyone is so cheery in church. Sometimes it is so hard to meet their enthusiasm with even a slight smile. People that are familiar with the situation feel uncomfortable around me and there's no way around it. So either I can feel all self-conscience and pretend that everything is normal or just be my broken miserable depressed self. One heck of a choice if you ask me.

It's not even noon and the coffee has gone bitter again. I guess I'll make another cup and finalize the prep work I have for tomorrow's dinner.

A dinner without you.

I miss you and love you.

-Dad