Chapter 1
It is cold.
December 14th 2012
Dear B,
As I watch the events of the morning unfold in Connecticut's elementary shooting via a live stream on CNN, I am deeply saddened. The death toll is over 20 and the news reports state that they are primarily children and there are more students unaccounted for meaning the death toll could rise. The reporters are comparing it to Columbine, but saying it is much worse. The authorities still don't know if there is more than one shooter.
Tomorrow will make one year that you have been missing from my life. I can only imagine the pain in these parents hearts as they learn that their six or seven year olds won't be coming home today and are instead laying lifeless in pools of their own blood in classrooms that are supposed to be safe havens for them.
Their lives cut so short, their entire futures ahead of them, and now they are gone. Gone forever.
If there was one thing I could tell these parents it would be, "It doesn't get any easier, the pain you feel now will be with you for the rest of your life."
So close to Christmas.
For the past few weeks I have been attempting to decorate the home which was once ours for the holidays. On some days I have sat in front of the totes of decorations and cried for hours. On other days I manage to unpack a few things and put them up.
The freshly cut Christmas tree is finally up. Decorated in all white lights the way you always liked them. Lisa and I went to the tree farm a couple of weeks ago and it only took about 10 minutes to find this year's perfect tree. You would like Lisa and I think the two of you would have gotten along. She's kind and considerate.
I have also put your artificial white tree, the one with the green lights, up at the top of the stairs. Each night when I light it I think of the day you asked me to buy it for you. We were at Kmart and it was well after Christmas and I think the seasonal decorations were up to 75% off. You said you wanted a white tree and that you were going to decorate it with all green lights and green ornaments. I thought it was a crazy idea but at 75% off it was a great buy. That year you had it set up in your bedroom and when it was lit at night it made your already green bedroom walls glow even greener if that was possible.
I had actually been making good progress earlier this week and fixed multiple sets of nonworking lights and strung them around the house. You always laughed at the amount of time I spent troubleshooting broken sets when it would have been easier to just buy new sets every couple of years once they were marked down after the holidays. Then I came across your stocking and money Santa. Those were tough moments. I felt sick to my stomach and couldn't do any more that day or the next.
I miss you. I miss your smile, your laughter, and the sound of your voice. I miss cooking dinners with you. I miss the desserts you would make. I wish there had been more time for everything. I wish there had been more time for us.
CNN's online news ticker is now reporting the death toll at 24. I just closed the stream on my computer. I don't need to know any more for now. Death is meaningless without reason.
How will these parents live their lives moving forward? How have I made it a year? How I will get through tomorrow is unknown.
I miss you and love you.
-Dad
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